It's 11:07 p.m., and I just smoked my last cigarette. God help me. I started smoking in March of 1997, when I was working a crap, dead-end job in telemarketing in Fort Wayne, Indiana, where I was living at the time. It was not a good time in my life, and I was frequently depressed. On a break during work one day a group of us were standing outside and chatting, when one of the guys offered me a cigarette. I said, "Yeah sure." I had no idea I would be a smoker for the next 15 and a half years.
I had tried smoking as early as about age 14 or 15. I didn't really inhale then, though. I just felt cool and older having my pack of Marlboro Lights and sneaking puffs on them while I was on my paper route. I remember having a pack of Camels during college that sat on my desk for months. I didn't inhale then either, and so I never got hooked.
But for some reason on that day in March, I did. And I went home and bought a pack of my own. And when I kept inhaling and got the buzz they offered, I realized, "Hey, I like this!" I remember my boss at work one day asked me how long I had been smoking when the subject came up in the office. I told her about a month or two. She said, "Oh, then you should just stop now." I didn't even realize I'd already become hooked.
I tried many, many, many, many times over the years to stop. I vowed that I would quit when my daughter was born. That was in 2002. I kept smoking. I gathered up all my fortitude and quit on February 21, 2007. And I made it three and a half months. I was done with it. I didn't need to smoke anymore. I thought to myself, "I should have quit a long time ago; it wasn't that hard!" I had already forgotten the work and dedication it had taken me to earn those three and a half months. When I realized I didn't have to smoke anymore, I began thinking to myself: "Now that I'm over the addiction, I could have one every once in a great while ... like a social smoker." Well, I did. And you can guess the rest. I was hooked again immediately.
And now here it is January 2013. And this is it for me. My daughter has gotten old enough that she knows how stupid it is to smoke, and she has told me many times to "throw those poison sticks away." I've even promised her before that I had smoked my last one ... and then broke that promise. That will make a father feel like total shit. I don't want to feel that way. I don't want to break promises to my daughter. Especially ones that will be good for my health and keep me around longer in her life.
So this is it. I could go on telling myself "I'm going to quit tomorrow. Next week. In a month. Before I'm (insert age here)." But I will just keep kidding myself. And I will keep doing damage to my body. It's time to face up to the challenge. The pain. The psychological misery. But at least I know that I've done it before. I've done over three months and been free of the addiction. I can do it again. But this time I will know that, like an alcoholic, I can't "have just one once in awhile."
I will update this blog throughout my fight to quit smoking. I will let out all the withdrawal misery and suffering I am going to have to endure. But the result will be worth it. Here is the quote I will have to remember on a daily basis: Better a little suffering now for a great payoff later, than a little payoff now and a lot of suffering later.
I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.
I'm doing this for me, and I'm doing this for my daughter, the light of my life ...
