Thud

Crashed and burned. 14 hours and I gave in and smoked. It was after eating lunch today. I'm beginning to think I might not be able to handle cold turkey. Might need to use Chantix or something. Don't know if I can afford it right now, though.

Terrible feeling.

Aagh

The first one came almost exactly on schedule. About 12:30 a.m. Since then, I've been having craving "flares" every 10 minutes or so. My body wants to know where its nicotine bottle is. Like a spoiled or starving baby.

These cravings suck. I ate a granola bar a little bit ago, and of course it made the cravings even more intense. All you can think about is, "It's time for a smoke now." Then you have to remind yourself that you no longer smoke. Once you do that, you experience the worst part of the urge. It's almost like waking from an amazing dream and finding only your mundane life, realizing that as good as the dream was, it's over now. Kiss it goodbye, because you're stuck back in reality. The trick is getting to the point where there is no distinction between the two.

Must remind myself: This is normal right now. It's supposed to feel miserable before it gets better. It will always feel miserable; there will never be a time when I give up smoking when I don't have to go through this awful part of it. Just like everyone else does.

Suffer a little now, big payoff later. Little payoff now, suffer a lot later. But man, it really sucks. Let me fast-forward, please.

First step

My last smoke was about a half hour ago. Very soon I'll have to deny my first urge. The first of many to come in the days and weeks ahead.

Climbing Mt. Marlboro

So am I back now after five months, essentially smoke-free? No, I am not. I failed that attempt -- almost right away, I have to admit. Another wash in a sea of quit-attempts.

But I'm here again. Back on the wagon. My new friends, other than prayers, are water and mint gum. And exercise. I realize that I have to substitute something for smoking. It's cold turkey, and I have a steep, arduous climb ahead. It's a climb I made six years ago and thought I had won. I was at the top of the mountain, I had made the summit, but I never made the descent. Overconfidence was my downfall. This time, I won't tell myself, "I've quit, so I can enjoy one now and then if I want to."

I have set myself a firm goal of 40 days. Forty days to get clear enough to where I can deny the urges with much more ease. I remember when I quit smoking in '07. After about two months, I had reached a point where I still got urges now and then, but I felt like I could take it or leave it. Since I felt like I could leave it, I did. And I made it to three and a half months. That was when I knew I didn't have a problem denying any urges that came up, so I felt I could be a social smoker. That was the trap that snared me.

Three and a half months from now will be about Oct. 7. Getting there will get me back to where I was in 2007, and at that point I will know not even to flirt with smoking another cigarette. And the good thing is, I'll be able to freely say

NO.