Crashed and burned. 14 hours and I gave in and smoked. It was after eating lunch today. I'm beginning to think I might not be able to handle cold turkey. Might need to use Chantix or something. Don't know if I can afford it right now, though.
Terrible feeling.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Aagh
The first one came almost exactly on schedule. About 12:30 a.m. Since then, I've been having craving "flares" every 10 minutes or so. My body wants to know where its nicotine bottle is. Like a spoiled or starving baby.
These cravings suck. I ate a granola bar a little bit ago, and of course it made the cravings even more intense. All you can think about is, "It's time for a smoke now." Then you have to remind yourself that you no longer smoke. Once you do that, you experience the worst part of the urge. It's almost like waking from an amazing dream and finding only your mundane life, realizing that as good as the dream was, it's over now. Kiss it goodbye, because you're stuck back in reality. The trick is getting to the point where there is no distinction between the two.
Must remind myself: This is normal right now. It's supposed to feel miserable before it gets better. It will always feel miserable; there will never be a time when I give up smoking when I don't have to go through this awful part of it. Just like everyone else does.
Suffer a little now, big payoff later. Little payoff now, suffer a lot later. But man, it really sucks. Let me fast-forward, please.
These cravings suck. I ate a granola bar a little bit ago, and of course it made the cravings even more intense. All you can think about is, "It's time for a smoke now." Then you have to remind yourself that you no longer smoke. Once you do that, you experience the worst part of the urge. It's almost like waking from an amazing dream and finding only your mundane life, realizing that as good as the dream was, it's over now. Kiss it goodbye, because you're stuck back in reality. The trick is getting to the point where there is no distinction between the two.
Must remind myself: This is normal right now. It's supposed to feel miserable before it gets better. It will always feel miserable; there will never be a time when I give up smoking when I don't have to go through this awful part of it. Just like everyone else does.
Suffer a little now, big payoff later. Little payoff now, suffer a lot later. But man, it really sucks. Let me fast-forward, please.
Friday, June 21, 2013
First step
My last smoke was about a half hour ago. Very soon I'll have to deny my first urge. The first of many to come in the days and weeks ahead.
Climbing Mt. Marlboro
So am I back now after five months, essentially smoke-free? No, I am not. I failed that attempt -- almost right away, I have to admit. Another wash in a sea of quit-attempts.
But I'm here again. Back on the wagon. My new friends, other than prayers, are water and mint gum. And exercise. I realize that I have to substitute something for smoking. It's cold turkey, and I have a steep, arduous climb ahead. It's a climb I made six years ago and thought I had won. I was at the top of the mountain, I had made the summit, but I never made the descent. Overconfidence was my downfall. This time, I won't tell myself, "I've quit, so I can enjoy one now and then if I want to."
I have set myself a firm goal of 40 days. Forty days to get clear enough to where I can deny the urges with much more ease. I remember when I quit smoking in '07. After about two months, I had reached a point where I still got urges now and then, but I felt like I could take it or leave it. Since I felt like I could leave it, I did. And I made it to three and a half months. That was when I knew I didn't have a problem denying any urges that came up, so I felt I could be a social smoker. That was the trap that snared me.
Three and a half months from now will be about Oct. 7. Getting there will get me back to where I was in 2007, and at that point I will know not even to flirt with smoking another cigarette. And the good thing is, I'll be able to freely say
NO.
But I'm here again. Back on the wagon. My new friends, other than prayers, are water and mint gum. And exercise. I realize that I have to substitute something for smoking. It's cold turkey, and I have a steep, arduous climb ahead. It's a climb I made six years ago and thought I had won. I was at the top of the mountain, I had made the summit, but I never made the descent. Overconfidence was my downfall. This time, I won't tell myself, "I've quit, so I can enjoy one now and then if I want to."
I have set myself a firm goal of 40 days. Forty days to get clear enough to where I can deny the urges with much more ease. I remember when I quit smoking in '07. After about two months, I had reached a point where I still got urges now and then, but I felt like I could take it or leave it. Since I felt like I could leave it, I did. And I made it to three and a half months. That was when I knew I didn't have a problem denying any urges that came up, so I felt I could be a social smoker. That was the trap that snared me.
Three and a half months from now will be about Oct. 7. Getting there will get me back to where I was in 2007, and at that point I will know not even to flirt with smoking another cigarette. And the good thing is, I'll be able to freely say
NO.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Day 1
It's 11:07 p.m., and I just smoked my last cigarette. God help me. I started smoking in March of 1997, when I was working a crap, dead-end job in telemarketing in Fort Wayne, Indiana, where I was living at the time. It was not a good time in my life, and I was frequently depressed. On a break during work one day a group of us were standing outside and chatting, when one of the guys offered me a cigarette. I said, "Yeah sure." I had no idea I would be a smoker for the next 15 and a half years.
I had tried smoking as early as about age 14 or 15. I didn't really inhale then, though. I just felt cool and older having my pack of Marlboro Lights and sneaking puffs on them while I was on my paper route. I remember having a pack of Camels during college that sat on my desk for months. I didn't inhale then either, and so I never got hooked.
But for some reason on that day in March, I did. And I went home and bought a pack of my own. And when I kept inhaling and got the buzz they offered, I realized, "Hey, I like this!" I remember my boss at work one day asked me how long I had been smoking when the subject came up in the office. I told her about a month or two. She said, "Oh, then you should just stop now." I didn't even realize I'd already become hooked.
I tried many, many, many, many times over the years to stop. I vowed that I would quit when my daughter was born. That was in 2002. I kept smoking. I gathered up all my fortitude and quit on February 21, 2007. And I made it three and a half months. I was done with it. I didn't need to smoke anymore. I thought to myself, "I should have quit a long time ago; it wasn't that hard!" I had already forgotten the work and dedication it had taken me to earn those three and a half months. When I realized I didn't have to smoke anymore, I began thinking to myself: "Now that I'm over the addiction, I could have one every once in a great while ... like a social smoker." Well, I did. And you can guess the rest. I was hooked again immediately.
And now here it is January 2013. And this is it for me. My daughter has gotten old enough that she knows how stupid it is to smoke, and she has told me many times to "throw those poison sticks away." I've even promised her before that I had smoked my last one ... and then broke that promise. That will make a father feel like total shit. I don't want to feel that way. I don't want to break promises to my daughter. Especially ones that will be good for my health and keep me around longer in her life.
So this is it. I could go on telling myself "I'm going to quit tomorrow. Next week. In a month. Before I'm (insert age here)." But I will just keep kidding myself. And I will keep doing damage to my body. It's time to face up to the challenge. The pain. The psychological misery. But at least I know that I've done it before. I've done over three months and been free of the addiction. I can do it again. But this time I will know that, like an alcoholic, I can't "have just one once in awhile."
I will update this blog throughout my fight to quit smoking. I will let out all the withdrawal misery and suffering I am going to have to endure. But the result will be worth it. Here is the quote I will have to remember on a daily basis: Better a little suffering now for a great payoff later, than a little payoff now and a lot of suffering later.
I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.
I'm doing this for me, and I'm doing this for my daughter, the light of my life ...
I had tried smoking as early as about age 14 or 15. I didn't really inhale then, though. I just felt cool and older having my pack of Marlboro Lights and sneaking puffs on them while I was on my paper route. I remember having a pack of Camels during college that sat on my desk for months. I didn't inhale then either, and so I never got hooked.
But for some reason on that day in March, I did. And I went home and bought a pack of my own. And when I kept inhaling and got the buzz they offered, I realized, "Hey, I like this!" I remember my boss at work one day asked me how long I had been smoking when the subject came up in the office. I told her about a month or two. She said, "Oh, then you should just stop now." I didn't even realize I'd already become hooked.
I tried many, many, many, many times over the years to stop. I vowed that I would quit when my daughter was born. That was in 2002. I kept smoking. I gathered up all my fortitude and quit on February 21, 2007. And I made it three and a half months. I was done with it. I didn't need to smoke anymore. I thought to myself, "I should have quit a long time ago; it wasn't that hard!" I had already forgotten the work and dedication it had taken me to earn those three and a half months. When I realized I didn't have to smoke anymore, I began thinking to myself: "Now that I'm over the addiction, I could have one every once in a great while ... like a social smoker." Well, I did. And you can guess the rest. I was hooked again immediately.
And now here it is January 2013. And this is it for me. My daughter has gotten old enough that she knows how stupid it is to smoke, and she has told me many times to "throw those poison sticks away." I've even promised her before that I had smoked my last one ... and then broke that promise. That will make a father feel like total shit. I don't want to feel that way. I don't want to break promises to my daughter. Especially ones that will be good for my health and keep me around longer in her life.
So this is it. I could go on telling myself "I'm going to quit tomorrow. Next week. In a month. Before I'm (insert age here)." But I will just keep kidding myself. And I will keep doing damage to my body. It's time to face up to the challenge. The pain. The psychological misery. But at least I know that I've done it before. I've done over three months and been free of the addiction. I can do it again. But this time I will know that, like an alcoholic, I can't "have just one once in awhile."
I will update this blog throughout my fight to quit smoking. I will let out all the withdrawal misery and suffering I am going to have to endure. But the result will be worth it. Here is the quote I will have to remember on a daily basis: Better a little suffering now for a great payoff later, than a little payoff now and a lot of suffering later.
I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.
I'm doing this for me, and I'm doing this for my daughter, the light of my life ...
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